This morning, I have a confession to make. Yesterday, I ate like a freaking cow!!! Remember how I reported that I was famished after my eight-mile tempo run yesterday? Well, that feeling never went away. And from the time that I put the kids down for their (very short lived) nap until the time that Pam and I ate dinner at 7:00 I was constantly nibbling on crappy snack food left over from our various outings last week.
I ate crackers from our picnic. I ate fruit snacks, goldfish, and candy from Easter. I ate the rest of my kids’ burritos from lunch. I ate my lunch. I ate. I ate. I ate. Too make matters worse, I didn’t measure any of those snacks and I didn’t record them so I don’t really know how much I ate.
All of this eating put me into a very reflective mood. I used to do this kind of stuff on a very regular basis and it makes me think about what my friends and acquaintances used to think about me when they saw me eating. Did they feel sorry for me? Did they think I was weak? Did they think I didn’t care about myself? Probably yes. But some of them were also able to see the real problem–that I was unhappy and addicted to food. Those people are the people who have helped me the most over that past year and a half. This blog helps me tremendously because my goals, progress and setbacks are so public. I care a great deal about what people think about me. Failing internally is something that I’ve done throughout my lifetime; failing externally (unless it was on a baseball field) is something that has rarely happened to me because it’s so much harder for me to deal with. It’s easy for me to get over failing myself, but near impossible for me to get over failing others. That’s why having such great readers, friends and family has really helped me break my addiction to food and has made it possible to get where I am today. So thanks.
In times past, yesterday would have sent me over the edge. I would have felt so guilty that the vicious cycle of bad food choices leading to guilt leading to more bad food choices would have continued ad nauseum. Months would have gone by and I would have been back to square one. But today is a new day. I woke up, got on the scale and realized that my weight today is still below my average weight on physics diet. That helped my psyche a lot. Then I cooked my kids pancakes, put the left overs in the refrigerator instead of eating them, and made myself some hot Bob’s Red Mill Meuslix (otherwise known as sticks and berries). I’m very happy to report that the “old me” is gone and so is the “new me.”  Now, I’m just “me” and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time!
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I think those binge days are alright every *rare* once in awhile (a few times a year?). It’s nice to not have to feel controlled every single second. A friend once told me that your diet is actually about what you eat most of the time and not what you occasionally eat.
I’d spin this a different way. “Good Mac” for waking up, realizing you didn’t have to act the same as yesterday, and setting yourself back on the path you want to be on.
Mac, stop with the Bad Mac stuff! You recognize what you’re doing and you didn’t let it derail you today. That makes you Good, New and Improved Mac!
So many of the things you wrote hit home with me. They describe me to a T. I have been there, and more recently than you. I’m 3 weeks into a major nutrition and exercise shift, and it’s like being set free. I literally feel unshackled from my addiction to food, but I know that doesn’t mean I’m “cured.” Like any other addiction, the risk of falling off the wagon is always there. But we know what we’re doing, and why, and by getting up and eating your sticks and berries today, you proved that you are in control of it.
Bravo!! Thanks for the honesty in your writing. You’ve inspired me to start my own journey in so many ways.
Sounds like you had what I call a “cram sesh” there: a session where you cram as much food down your gullet as will fit.
I used to do that all the time. After work is the ultimate danger zone for this type of behavior for me. Since I never counted calories, I don’t have a clue how much I would consume, but 900-1,000 wouldn’t blow my mind.
I long for a day when I don’t have to concentrate so hard to NOT eat things, but as a food addict, it probably won’t ever come. As I once blogged, drugs would be easier to kick. It’s not like you HAVE to shoot heroin. But you can’t just not eat.
I guess that’s what hobbies and interests are for. It’s really hard to shove pepperoni and crackers into your mouth when you’re trying to practice the martial arts, run, play a musical instrument or trail ride. Believe me, if you could, I’da figured out how by now.
Sometimes, ya just gotta eat.
It’s alright, because tomorrow is another day!