I‘ve been plagued by mental lapses my entire life. It seems that my acuity fluctuates like the tides. One moment I’m in it to win it and the next I don’t give a damn. This is why I wasn’t a great athlete in high school–no killer instinct. It’s why I wasn’t at the top of my class either–A’s and B’s are pretty good, right?
Sunday afternoon, I played tennis with a friend. Neither of us play often and neither of us are very good. For various reasons, I felt as if I should have won. But I didn’t. And it’s not a big deal. But at one point, as Pam and Liam were sitting on the side watching, she whispered into his ear, “Daddy’s not concentrating.” Of course, the 3 year old repeated it for me to hear and Pam whispered, “Shhhhhh!” because she didn’t want me to know what she said. But she was right. I wasn’t concentrating and I wasn’t winning the points that I should have been winning.
You may ask what’s the big deal? The big deal is that I wasn’t giving it my all. I don’t care that I lost, I care that I wasn’t working as hard as I possibly could have to make sure that I won.
Then yesterday, I played golf while the kids were at day camp in the morning. I made some really good shots–when I concentrated and took my time. But when I just got up there and swung the club, the results were definitely less than desirable. This is just another example of me not concentrating and settling for mediocrity.
I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know why I think it’s ok to be ok. I know I have the potential to be great, I’ve seen it before. I just don’t know how to light the fire and keep it burning.
If you hadn’t noticed, my head is definitely not in the game. Ever since the marathon, I haven’t been able to get my mind around what’s next for me. Countless people have told me that I need to make new goals and start training towards those goals. And this makes sense to me. But do I really need to be training for something every day for the rest of my life? Am I destined to gain weight and lose fitness if I don’t have a target to shoot for? Why can’t homeostasis be a goal? I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want to lose weight. I just want to remain where I am. We’ll see what happens.